Four Years of Desperation
by Obiwanakin
Summary: A look into the life of Nepeta during her four first days of high school. - Unrequited Nepeta/Karkat, sadstuck, humanstuck, highschoolstuck


**-Freshman Year-**

It's the first day of freshman year. You're sitting at a lunch table with Equius, pretending to listen to him as he drones on in his deep-but-quiet voice about an archery range his father was going to take him to. You've pretty much stopped listening to anything Equius said about archery; he hadn't used a bow once in his fourteen years of life.

Besides, you are too busy staring at the new boy a few tables over. His black hair is a mess, there are dark circles under his eyes from sleepless nights, and his face is etched with a displeased frown. You think he's the cutest boy you've ever seen.

Finally, after a few careful decision-dedicated moments, you interrupt Equius with a quick "be right back" and, after straightening your cat-eared beanie, make your way over to where the new boy is sitting alone. You are very nervous, more nervous than you've ever been just talking to someone, but you swallow down your nerves and sit down across from the boy, a smile on your face.

"Hi there, I'm Nepeta!" You say cheerfully despite the boy's obvious discomfort.

"Um. Hi."

You fight past the worry and anxiety that tickles the inside of your chest. "Well, what's _your _name?"

"Karkat."

"Ooohh, Karkat? Like kitty. Hehe, I love cats." You giggle nervously.

"Obviously."

You cock your head in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Karkat simply points at your hat. Immediately you understand, then you feel like a dope for not realizing what he meant sooner.

"Oh, yeah. I love cats." Another nervous giggle slips out. Wait, didn't you already say that? You curse yourself inwardly.

"Look, no offense, but I'm really not in the mood to deal with the school's notorious cat girl." The look on his face is one of annoyance, and _shit_, why did you ever even come over here?

"I- oh." You stand, your cosplaying tail hanging sadly. "Yeah, sorry to bother you."

You head back over to Equius, who, having heard everything, immediately wraps you in a strong hug.

"I'll kill that impudent brat for speaking to you that way."

"No." You say against his shoulder. "It's okay, maybe he just didn't sleep well last night and he's grouchy."

You keep telling yourself this throughout your first day of high school, but it doesn't really help to ease the throb of hurt in your chest.

**-Sophomore Year-**

It's the first day of sophomore year, and once again you find yourself sitting at the same lunch table with Equius. And, like last year, you're staring at Karkat with a look of longing on your face. But this year, Karkat is sitting with others, namely Terezi, Sollux, and Gamzee.

This isn't too big of a deal for you, but jealousy has knocked on the metaphorical door of your heart. You couldn't stand the way Terezi hangs off him, the way he doesn't frown at her like the way he frowned at you all last year.

But you like Terezi, you even roleplay with her. So why couldn't you just get over the fact that she's friends with the boy you like?

"Nepeta, I do not see the reason you like that measly excuse for a human. He's very rude to you." Equius says, breaking your train of thought.

"I dunno. I just... like him."

And really, you aren't sure why you like Karkat. All last year he was as mean to you as could be, waving off your tries at friendship with an inconsiderate hand. However, you still swoon like a fool at how cute he is, how smart he is, how amazing he is.

So what classified him as amazing?

You can't answer that because you honestly aren't sure. You just know he is. There is something about him, some kind of spark, that has your eyes always on him.

He was awful to you, though. You'd tried walking with him to class only to be shooed away, you'd tried talking to him at lunch only to be ignored or rudely told to go away. Yes, these things hurt, cut you so deep they left scars on your heart, but still you tried and tried to be Karkat's friend, much to Equius' dismay.

Terezi catches you staring at Karkat and nudges the boy as she points to you. Embarrassed, you look back to Equius and pretend that it never happened.

**-Junior Year-**

It's the first day of junior year, and this time things are different. This time, you're sitting with, of all people, Karkat. Well, plus Equius, Gamzee, Sollux, and Terezi. Finally, after two years, Karkat has finally accepted your friend ship. Sort of. He was still mean and rude, but that was just him, right?

Besides, you are on top of the world. Across from you is the boy you'd pined after for half of high school. You'd finally, finally been accepted by him. You're elate with pure joy.

Equius sees you staring at Karkat with that what he calls "the look" on your face again, but you shrug him off. So what if you stare at Karkat? You _did_ have a crush on him after all. It was perfectly okay to sneak a few glances.

Anyway, now that the two of you are friends, who knew what else might happen? Perhaps, just perhaps, you had a chance with the boy. Maybe you could woo him, maybe he'd take a liking to you. Your mind was alive with the possibilities. Maybe one day, Karkat would take you on a date where the two of you would have dinner and talk about whatever came to mind, a date where you could call him Karkitty and when he'd take you home, he'd ever so gently kiss you at your doorstep.

You can't stop yourself from smiling at the images your imagination brings up. Now that Karkat and you were friends there was no end to all of the possibilities.

"Nepeta, earth to cat-girl." A voice says, bringing you out of your enchanting thoughts.

"Hmm?" You say, looking up and glancing around.

"I _said _are you coming with us to Starbucks after school?" Terezi asks.

"Oh, yes, that sounds fun." You say with a smile and a quick glance at Karkat.

"Yes." Says a grumpy Equius. "Fun."

**-Senior Year-**

It's the first day of senior year, and even though Karkat sits across from you, you're not near as happy about it as the year before.

In front of you sits Karkat, who looks sort of pleased, a look you didn't see often. His fingers are intertwined with Terezi's, her head is on his shoulder.

You feel sick to your stomach.

The two had started dating over the summer and were now inseparable. They were together 24/7. It was unbearable to you. After all that time you'd been so sure that you had a chance with Karkat, only to have it snatched out from under you like some terrible magic trick.

Now you were being put through the torture of watching the boy you loved with every ounce of your soul with another girl. At first you'd merely hoped that it wouldn't last long, but that obviously wasn't the case. The relationship had only grown closer with the few months it existed. Now you'd lost all hope at a chance with Karkat.

Through all of this, your heart was being mutilated. It'd been spun into the finest thread, sewn into the most beautiful cloth, then burned to ashes by the white hot fires of despair. You kept putting yourself through this intense pain, though. It wasn't like you could just up and stop being the couple's friend.

Only one more year. You repeat the phrase like a mantra in your head. One more year and you'd never have to see Karkat or Terezi again, one more year and you'd be free from this school, where you were locked in too-tight confinements and forced to bear witness to the one thing that ripped your heart in two.

Until you graduate, you'll just continue to doodle his name in your notebooks, continue to hold on to a hope with no hope, continue to put on a smile and watch the world go by.

Only one more year and you were free from a love that was going nowhere.

At least, you hope that's the case.

* * *

><p><strong>Just a little something that was stuck in my head. Hehe, headstuck. x3<strong>

**Reviews would be nice.  
><strong>


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